I Don't Know About You, But I'm Still Feeling 22

Tonight as I sit here in my cozy bedroom with my little lanterns providing soft light to my thoughts, I'm musing about the coming year.

No, it's not New Year's Eve, but the eve of the celebration of the day of my birth.  Tomorrow, I turn another year older, so in a way it feels like a mid year New Year and another fresh start.

What do I want from this year?  Well, I would like to be cured of my chronic illnesses, but magic wands are still in the early stages of research and development!

Seriously though, what would I like to see happen this coming year?  Some thoughts...

• For my health to improve further, or at least stabilise.  This would provide me with a more stable platform to live my life by for sure, and would also make planning for the near future just that little bit easier!

• To find a medication or treatment to relieve or at least manage my symptoms.  This really has been an ongoing struggle for me, and I've never found anything that works really well for any longer than about 2 weeks at a time.  If that could change, it would be lovely.

• To do well in my final University papers and graduate in July!  It's only a short course, but I am so proud of myself for achieving this during 2016 despite all of the challenges life and my health have thrown at me.  Now to decide if I want to do the follow on course...

• Get back into my guitar playing, and sing more.  Guitar has fallen by the wayside recently as I have just been too fatigued to work on it, but I'm hoping to get back into it soon.  Music is one of my greatest joys and is a wonderful form of stress relief, so I will make more of an effort as energy and my Uni schedule allow.

• To develop a greater acceptance for where my life is at, and to be at peace with the fact that I'm exactly where I am meant to be.  Long term goal this one, but with my faith, family support and perseverance, I'm determined to be more accepting and patient with myself.

• Make sure I nurture my body and love it as much as I can in every way possible.  To feed it well, exercise regularly, rest when it tells me and just to take great care of it.

• Figure out a practical career path.  The Physiotherapy dream is still burning bright in my heart, but at the same time it feels as if it's fading away from me.  I know I would make a brilliant Physio (not to blow my own trumpet), but I'm coming to terms with the fact that pushing myself into 4 years of full time University study may not be the smartest thing to do!  I'm not ruling it out, but could really do with a solid Plan B in case it doesn't work out the way I have always hoped it would.

• To get back into art and creative pursuits more.  I am loving my University study, but it's exhausting me to the point that I don't really have the energy to do much else!  So I would like to find a little bit more of a healthy balance in my life between my study, online, real and creative worlds.

• For my family to know how much I appreciate them.  Saying thank you never feels like anywhere near enough of a repayment for all that they do for me on a daily basis, so it's kind of a wish really, but I hope they know in their hearts how grateful I am to have them in my life.

• To one day be well enough to take my brother out on an expedition like he has done for me so many times, and to just laugh and have fun with him without being in pain or having to find a bathroom.  That would be nice.

• For people to see me as normal, and to see past my illnesses.  I'm still a lovable, creative, kind person with a pretty good sense of humour, and I would like more of the people in my wider circle to realise that and treat me like they're talking to me as a person, not just someone with illnesses.

And just to live another great year, taking as many opportunities that come my way as I can, having fun, getting to know more people and just living the most beautiful life I can.

He's My Brother

Last night, I was in severe pain. 

Yes, I had already taken pain relief, but don't be fooled by those fake smiling people on the pain killer ads.  Sometimes they just don't work like they should.

I had my period and the achy pain that I experience every single day had escalated to a really severe level, like it has for the last 3 months.  Whether this pain is Endometriosis related or not, I don't know, but it's definitely some kind of Gynae pain.  I'll have to ask my Gynaecologist when I go to see her on Friday.  It's been a very long 3 months to wait, I can tell you.

Anyway, there I was, slumped in a chair at the dining table, really struggling to handle the pain.

Then my brother, seeing how much pain I was in, asked me if I wanted to go in the car with him 10 minutes down the road to drop something off.

Now, normally when I'm in pain, I would have said no and gone to curl up in a corner with a gel heat pack.  However, I'm trying not to let the pain rule me at the moment, which is hard but a challenge I'm prepared to take head on when I'm feeling brave.

So I said yes.

We walked slowly out to the car and off we went.

Here's something you should know about my brother.  He knows about my Gynae and other health issues, but we don't talk about it unless I feel like talking - Mum keeps him up to date when there is news I'm too upset to tell him myself.  I have nicknamed him my 'fun officer' because he looks after me by watching TV and movies with me and distracting me from whatever I am dealing with.

So, there we were in the car, me trying to breathe the pain through with gritted teeth.

He got out his phone, plugged it in and said to me "I've got a new song that I want to play for you.  When I first heard it, I immediately thought of you."

Then this song began to play...



It was a beautiful moment between us as we sat there listening to Nobody Knows by P!nk.

I was a bit emotional as the song played through and I listened to the lyrics.  I like some of P!nk's music and couldn't believe I hadn't heard this song before now, but in some ways I was glad.  It felt really special that my brother had heard this song and thought about me while he was listening.

The lyrics really hit home for me, as being a girl with Endometriosis and ongoing pain, it often feels like nobody knows or understands what I'm going through.  I just have to remember that I'm not alone and have my family around me to support me.

Thank you to my brother for introducing me to a beautiful song - you're the best!