My Wish

A friend brought her 11 week old baby to visit us yesterday afternoon. 

It was lovely to see them, and to meet her beautiful son, but it was also hard for me in some ways. 

To sit there watching her playing with her son with so much love in her eyes. To see her holding him close, and able to talk of nothing else except all the new experiences they've had together in the first 11 weeks of his life.  To see his striking resemblance to her, and think that she has created and carried this baby within her own body.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not jealous of her or resentful that she has a child of her own.  In fact it's the exact opposite - I'm filed with joy for her that she has her own little person to bring up. 

It's just the thought that I might not be able to have a child of my own that scares me, and seeing her child really brought it home to me. 

How much I want to be pregnant one day and carry a child of my own. 

How I want to have that heavy but gorgeous round bump that houses my own little one, rather than just a fat fake Endo belly. 

How I want to experience all the pain that child birth brings, as long as at the end of it all when I'm exhausted and have nothing left to give, I can hold that tiny, precious, unique gift from God in my arms. 

How I want to spend hours staring into their deep blue eyes and holding their tiny fingers to try and drink in all their beauty.

Most women want to have a child of their own one day, and it's one of the most important and responsible jobs there is.  It's perfectly natural that I want to have a child of my own as well.

Having Endometriosis and Adenomyosis could bring complications with conceiving and carrying a pregnancy to full term or worse, infertility issues and even though I try not to think about it most days, it creeps in and weighs on my mind.

Every time I take a new medication that disrupts my natural hormone balance I worry about what I'm putting into my body and what potential long term effects it could have on my fertility. 

But at the end of the day, no matter how much my illness and treatments may concern me, I've decided I have to live in the moment.  It's not that I don't care about my fertility, because I definitely do, but if you focus on it all the time it's just going to eat you up inside. 

So I'm just taking everything one day at a time and trying to breathe. Trying to manage my pain and symptoms as best I can, always keeping in the back of my mind my big wish to be a Mum one day.